i am
i am perpetually concentrated
on time.
on memories, on the past, on the future;
i am forever remembering.
like tonight, 3 a.m. on the way home
still feeling my buzz
“everyone falls in love sometimes” comes on the radio
and we start talking about high school dances.
i remember being 13 years old like it was yesterday.
i remember what was important that year.
i remember thinking i was in love. 111. eleven. that’s when it stemmed, that year.
the year “better off alone” came out.
now, tonight, buzzed, 3 a.m., on the cross island, she reminds me of the things
that hurt to know are forever gone:
high school dances
falling in love so easily, and not even knowing what it means.
and i say, “damn, we thought we knew it all”
and she says, “yea, and in a few years from now, we’ll say the same thing about our early 20s.”

i do not know
to deal with the loss of
first dances,
the scandal of bear shoulders in a high school gym…

i do not know
to deal with the loss of him
and her
and them
and us.

and in my head, i replay what i wore that night;
what i thought that night,
and i wonder if
i’ll ever be able to give up on
all my fruitless fixations.

KV ©

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