golden hearts & tainted trust.

He drew my ear closer to his mouth, with his arm around my back, to speak above the music:

“I don’t want you to think it’s you; it was never you. It was never you Karina, you’re an amazing girl with a heart of gold.” He emphasized the word gold, with the way he made his eyes bigger when he said it, and underlined the invisible word in the air. “Sometimes I think it’s my fault you know what you know now; that I fucked you up forever with what I did. Sometimes I think I passed up real love and fucked myself over, too.”

I felt like I had just broken into someone’s diary, or cracked the code to some lock that I had been trying to get into for years. I was hearing exactly what I had always wanted, from someone I always wanted to hear it from. But it still wasn’t enough.

“So then why did you do it all?”

I waited for an answer that would bring with it an epiphany, an enlightenment, something that would take this burden of insecurity and hurt he caused off of me, but all I got was

“I wasn’t ready; I’m an asshole.”

I fell in love, infatuation, and lust with this boy when I was 21 years old. I was so inexperienced and naive when I met him, and he changed every aspect of my world around for better, for worse, and for ever.

He gave me so much, in every sense. He spoiled me, he took pleasure in pleasing me, he knew exactly what to do and what to say to make me feel like I had everything a girl could ever ask for.

But he also took so much away from me. Things that could never be given back. It was the first relationship where I experienced betrayal, lying, cheating; the astonishment that comes with finding out someone has been deceiving you behind your back, yet eagerly loving you to your face. That trust is a pointless, pointless virtue.

Now, 4 years later, running into each other at a club, I get the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. And that’s great, I suppose, an apology and an explanation is nice to hear after someone rips the rug up from right underneath you, when you’re a young girl who still believes in people, but I really can’t do anything with this apology now. I can’t do anything with the lost years, but most importantly I can’t do anything with my lack of trust in trust. And that’s the saddest loss of all.

KV ©

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