April 25, 2008. 335 days in.
“…raspberry mojito & margarita on the rocks. Typical. Good time, good convo, as usual. Then it got deep- oh wait before that- as he rolled a blunt in the Waldbaums parking lot he was saying how he wanted to take me upstate (yea, yea) & he’s like ‘that’s if you still wanna be my friend. I hope you do, I never want us to not talk again.’ ok so deep convo @ lounge- he called me a wannabe psychologist & I got pissed & I’m like just because I don’t say things doesn’t mean I don’t know you. & he’s like tell me I wanna so I told him what I previously acted out saying in my head so many times about his protective shield of lies & always being high so he’s not vulnerable so no one can hurt him & he was really looking & listening & he’s like I think you almost nailed it on the head. & I’m like, ‘what’s even special to you?’ & I didn’t even believe him when he said anything, like I don’t think anything can be special to him for more than just that moment. Then he goes ‘I know you too. You’re a very confused girl.’ & I was like how so and he goes forget it, I don’t wanna get into it. Then he busts out all abruptly ‘listen, can you just promise me something,’ & I’m like what all nervously & I’m pretty sure he was holding my hand & he goes ‘no matter what happens, promise me well always be friends. I always want to have you in my life.”
See, that’s the thing about love. And this is why relationships are so dangerous.
We get so excited when we meet someone we can actually get excited about. If you’re lucky enough to have had the stars align in your favor that one time out of a million, when the first time you make eye contact with some stranger and you just know you just want to know who they are, and it’s mutual, you feel like you just hit the cosmic lotto. When you first fall in love with someone, you feel like you cheated the rules of nature, you went against the odds and succeeded without even trying. It just happened. You didn’t even plan to go out that night. And here you are, 34 days later, just lying on the couch with some person who you never knew existed a month ago but can feel so comfortable with. Who has it better than you?
How many people do you just know? You know their names, where they live, who they go out with. A lot, I’m sure. In your lifetime, you are bound to “just know” a lot of people. And how many of them- despite how attractive or desirable they may be, despite how funny or perfectly nice they are- do you really think you can spend an endless amount of time with?
That’s why relationships are such a double-edged sword. Because you have decided that in all the billions of people you may “just know” in your lifetime, there is this one, this single, solitary one person from one town on one block in this big world who you think is better than the billions, whose just right for you. And you might be right.
But– and here’s the worst part- the interjection, the bursting of the bubble with the “but…” BUT, somehow, the alignment goes out of whack. Stars can only stay in place for so long. Just as each week that goes by, the moon changes, gets bigger and fuller only to get smaller again, the universe alters that beautiful array of gases that once caused you so much happiness and hope. And now you’re anxious and angry because the “how can he/she do that”, “why would she/he say that” start, all those frustrating feelings surface and you really just want to leave, you really just want to tell them to go fuck themselves and mean it, and never look back, never feel an ounce of nostalgia for that person ever again. And wake up the next morning, go out, and find someone new who replaces that person because they caused you too much pain for you to even want to remember them.
But (hi again)- you know that’s not how it works. And that’s the thing about love. That’s why relationships are so dangerous.
You know that you know so few people who you would want to lay down in your underwear with watching the crappiest reality shows and still want to be no where else, doing nothing more, than just that. They are the one person that when you see their name come up on your phone, you smile to yourself and let it ring a little longer just to watch. It’s feels like winning the cosmic lotto.
We all know the “True love doesn’t die” quote. The different variations of it that we tell ourselves when we need something to believe that the months or years we put into a relationship, wanting so badly to believe that it will work, just as it did when you first met, weren’t a waste. You hear a song months after the relationships over, a song that was big when you were together, maybe a song you coined as “our song”, and you tell yourself that they’re listening to the same radio station and the same time and you feel better thinking that they are thinking of you, with a smile on their face just as you are. No matter how bad the break up was- the infidelity, the lies, the drama- that they don’t hate you. In fact, they still have a love for you. Or so, these are the things we tell ourselves.
I know he meant it then, when he said it, tipsy off of his typical margarita on the rocks. I know it wasn’t his basic bullshit. I know when he told me loved me, when he told me I was one of the coolest girls he knows & that he can never get tired of being with me, when we laughed in bed about our stupid fights, and when he swore he wanted things to be better, I know he meant it all, at the time. At the time when our stars were aligned.
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