Have you ever found solace in the thought of dying? Not in a suicidal way, it’s just….
Sometimes when I’m feeling really sad & lonely and misunderstood I wonder, if right now, at this age & this time of my life if by some freak accident I died, what would happen? I think about all of the different people from different times of my life that would attend my funeral. I think about the pictures on the collages that would be made for my memorial and the memories my friends would remember sharing with me, in tears. I think of how the girls I lost touch with from elementary school would always remember as the girl I was long before anyone really knew me. I think of my ex-boyfriends – who would all attend – and how they will carry an unresolved guilt for the way they broke my heart, all in their own way. I think of my family only for a few seconds, because their pain brings me no solace. I play out what my eulogy would sound like, and how only my best friend would know exactly what to say.
It sounds morbid, I’m sure, a bit disturbing maybe, but I’ve done it ever since I was a little girl in order to cope with feeling alone at times in this downright scary world. And it always calms me down.
It helps me realize that all these stupid little events that happen, that I think are so catastrophic and meaningful aren’t so at all. And that in the big picture of life, it’s only the good stuff that will be accounted for.
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