Date:12/8/2005 12:24am Pacific Standard Time
From: LiL tEaZ 2000
it doesn’t even matter anymore what our reactions towards each other are
until i stop having the uncontrollable, irrational impulse to contact you for
whatever pointless reason, you will continue to brush everything off
and hate me for reminding you of me.
and i guess that bothered me for a while, like lets say…3 years or so
but then i took a look at the big scheme of life…how in 10 years none
of this shit is going to mean anything. not you hanging up on me, not
me crying to you drunk about me being scared you’re going to die
nothing. except the impact we had on each other. so yea, i’m fucking
totally irrational by sending you this bc you are you and you’re gunna
act like i’m a burden, some stupid ex who wont leave you alone.
i can only hope that you realize, eventually, that that isn’t the case at all
you are the most important person i have ever met in my life
and i have let you do stupid ass shit to me bc i was so scared of coming to
terms with us, and i did stupid ass shit to you, bc….i don’t even know why.
so continue living your life as if i never existed, but i just hope that
somewhere, in your big heart that i know, you understand what you have
meant to me.
E for Everything. Everything revolves around You. Every place I seem to arrive at has your reputation. Your territory Exceeds where you are from. Every song, Every movie; Every time I feel lonely, Every time I achieve – I wish you could know. Everything that I know seems to stem from you. You are the Essential to my weakness, and to my strength. You are within Every stupid move that I make, and you have given me Every ounce of learning that I have become enriched with. Everything, Every where, Every day.
R for Remembering, and “Never Forget[ting]”. Remembering the conversations, the nervousness and the comfort ability. Remembering dates, Remembering phrases, Remembering jokes. Remembering where I went wrong, Remembering how you left me. Remembering that we were so young, and thought we knew it all. Remembering what the last few moments of having someone to love felt like. Remembering that you are never too far, but never close at all.
S for Scared. I have never been more Scared of anything in my life- not death, not loneliness, not failure- the way I am Scared of You. Scared that I will never find someone else who seems to accept me for me. Scared I will never be able to love the way that I tried to love you. Scared I am tainted forever. I am Scared of you rejecting me, because, well, you have. But I try again. And each time, I am Scared. So Scared that I forget how to speak the way I want to speak. So Scared I forget who I am now and Scared how to act. I am Scared that the YEARS since will always reflect the Y , the E, the A, the R, and the S. Scared that maybe I will move on, and with doing so, we completely forget about each other. Scared that if I ever do see you again, it will be the worst moment of my life. Because I’ll either instantly fall back in love with you, or not give a shit.
YEARS have passed… and they will just keep on passing.
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